Early labor, and beyond!

For weeks I have been reading natural birth blogs, trying to prepare myself for baby boy's expiration date. I have a lot of baggage coming into this one. My last pregnancy ended in heart break, surgery, and a baby too fragile and tiny to hold. The one before that, the delivery I thought I wanted followed by the death and resuscitation of my baby who was minutes old. Can you spell trauma? I ran out of blogs I felt applied to my situation and my dreams for what this new experience would be like. So, I decided to write it down here, and I will decide later if I want to post it.

 For months now, every time I had a braxton hicks contraction, I could feel my anxiety rise. My heart would race, my chest tighten, and my blood pressure rise to the point of an immediate headache. I knew this is not what I should feel when my body was doing what it knew to do, especially not something indicating I was having a healthy pregnancy. I struggled to fix the issue with my own tactics. I turned to the scriptures, positive affirmations, sooooo much prayer, anything I could think of. Eventually I traded massage with a friend that is trained in foot zoning. The energy and physiological focus helped a ton! But 3 weeks later when signs of labor got more real, the anxiety came back with a vengeance. Myles was speaking to me once and I felt my uterus tighten, anxiety along with it. Afterword he said something about my phone receiving a text and we discovered that I didn't hear anything during my practice contraction. This new discovery put me into a whole new world of worry! I worried that my blood pressure would become too high in actual delivery and medical intervention would be necessary. I did not want this for me, or for My baby!
Finally, breaking down and asking my mom for help, she realized just how much baggage I had. She began to help me with her new interest, the emotion code. (To be honest, I still don't know much about it. Just that my anxiety issue has gotten worlds better.)

To my cautiously pleasant surprise I was dilated to a 2 and 70% effaced at my 36 week appointment. This was right on track with how Lenayahs birth story started, only this time without any complications! The week went by and I had lots of cervical pressure, my hips killed, and I had lost the will to remain pregnant much longer. I called my mom to whine and get some advice. She told me to relax and let my body work. After my 37 week appointment she would decide when the best time for her to come to Utah would be.

As the next few weeks continued, there was no change! Mom came into town the day after I rolled into full term; 37 weeks. She went into nesting mode for me and got my living space and garage more organized and functional. We ever spent several hours shopping for groceries and putting together 23 dinners and 16 lunches for my freezer!

Nearly 2 weeks go by with still no indication of baby gracing us with his presence. My disappointment and stress were getting high and confusion filled my heart. The doctor said they could induce but my immediate reaction was to turn up my nose in detest. But Myles and I agreed to at least consider it. So, first we decided against it. Then things changed and I realized just how important it was to have support and deliver on my terms. On Thursday evening we prayerfully decided we would do it as long as the on call doctor was on-board. He supported my decision and called L and D to see when they had the staff to take me on. We were hoping for Saturday morning, but we were surprised when the doctor called and said the only time they could take me on was in 2 HOURS! Before this point I was still very uneasy about the thought of taking God's timing into my own hands. But the moment it became real a profound peace and excitement came over me. I scurried around the house getting some things together for our days at the hospital. Both what we would need and what the house needed in order to be ready to have a baby come home with us. I just about wore myself out doing that! I should have taken a nap! What was I thinking?
L and D was running late and then there were some technical difficulties so I didn't get checked in until almost 4pm.

The nurses came in and gave me the rundown. Pitocin turned up every half-hour, doctor would break my water after 3 hours. They started the antibiotic for the group strep b at 4:12 and the Pit shortly after. Over the next 3 hours my contractions came and went, increasing in intensity over time. They turned up the pit fewer times than planned because my body was moving like it was supposed to. Nearing the end of the 3 hours I had to really focus through each wave and I was silently praying that immense progress had been made because I felt inadequate to continue as I was. Mom was giving me some counter pressure as I leaned into Myles. I don't know how much my pain really changed, but it helped to know that I wasn't in it alone. It must have only been 5 or 6 contractions before the doctor came in and measured me."You're at a 4! Lets go ahead and break your water." Talk about feeling totally hopeless! His next words to the nursing staff shocked me, but I tried to have faith that he wasn't being naively optimistic. "Okay, set up the room for delivery!"

They turned down the pit by half and then off altogether. My body took over and went full speed ahead! I watched the clock on the wall in front of me between each contraction. I couldn't believe how intense the pain was, and how the time seemed surreal. Things just kept ramping up in intensity! Dee, my nurse, gave some counter pressure on my knees and I immediately felt the urge to push. I resisted it with everything I had, knowing that after just a few contractions there was no way I was at a 10 and safe to push. I gave everyone a play by play of what I was going through. I was right, Dee checked and I was at a 6. Dee told me to grunt with a "ho" sound into each wave to help me fight the push. So with the next wave, "ho, ho, ho, ho". Same thing with the next two. But then I just couldn't keep it together anymore. During the short time between contractions I groggily said, "I feel like Santa!" The whole room erupted with laughter! It was short lived as the next contraction came on with full force. I tried to continue with the "ho, ho, ho's" but I couldn't, I kept laughing! Laughter and contractions are not a good combo.

Around this time I also asked for some chap-stick, which my mom gave me. Shortly after word I advised everyone in the room not to put peppermint chap-stick in their eyes. I vaguely remember someone thinking that was humorous as well. I know, I'm full of wisdom. And when I was in such an intense situation, why not try and lighten the mood a little bit?
Before I knew it the urge to push was back! They called for the doctor while Dee checked me. I was at a 9! She said I just had a slight lip that needed to pull flat before I was safe to push. To distract me and help me focus on breathing she had me look at her fingers, to indicate how many "he" sounds I would make, followed by a "hoo". I don't think I got the number right very many times, but it worked and I was able to keep Beckett and myself safe. A lot of things said in the room aren't
engrained into my memory, but when Shawna, the nurse who was being trained by Dee, said the doctor hadn't answered the phone!!! I had previously expressed what a horrific experience being told not to push and wait for the doctor for 20 minutes with Lenayah was, and that I most definietly would be riding the waves and listeneing to my body when it said push. Thank goodness Dee remembered, because she said to me, "That's okay! If he doesn't come, we are doing this! You and me!" Just then the doctor rushed in pulling his delivery clothes on. After a very quick update from Dee he checked me and gave me the all clear to push!

After just one contraction and some work on my effort Beckett was crowning! I said to my mom, "we are doing this! I get to meet my baby!" For whatever reason her response stuck with me, "No, WE get to meet him. You already know him." Motherhood is so cool! 2 contractions later he was delivered! I reached down and held Beckett's little hand while doc took his time making sure that he was going to be breathing and have no issues once he was placed on me. That was comforting because it would have been nightmare round 2 if there had been even a small issue! Myles cut the cord and up Beckett came. Here it was! The skin to skin I never got with Lenayah! Beckett must have been excited too, because he PEED on me! Soaked us both! For real, I had to get a new gown.
They took him to help clear his lungs a little more and take down his APGAR stuff while the doctor stitched me up. Same tear as the first time around... yay... 7 lbs 7.5 oz. SO TINY! Everything about him was smaller than Lenayah; even a noticiable difference in the placenta size! He is just now, at 3 weeks old moving into 0-3 clothes! He latched pretty nicely on the first try! We are still working on perfecting it though.

 

 I got some food in my stomach and Myles got to do skin to skin just as Lenayah came to meet her baby brother. I was so excited to see her. She was less excited to see me when she realized that dad had a baby. She was so sweet and tender with Beckett. She kept saying, "hi, babe!" Every time a nurse came in to check on me she would tell them over and over about the baby. She held him a little but lost interest really quickly when the nurse brought me some chocolate she stole out of her managers office. Thanks, shawna!

Well there you have it! Beckett is the sweetest little guy and I can't imagine life without him! We continue to work to sleep more and get a stronger latch, but he is so patient with Lenayah who doesn't always know the definition of gentle. At his 2 week appointment he was 7 lbs 14 oz, he is a full fledged member of fat camp now!