Time flies when you've had a baby!

This week Beckett will be 3 months old. How. Does. This. Happen?? I don't think I've appreciated this stage as much as I should and in only a few weeks, it will likely be on it's way out. I have been tried and tested in these months. He really isn't like Lenayah and it just testifies to me that every child really is different.

From the start he struggled to eat effectively; causing gas, cluster feedings, pain on my part, and a lot of frustration for both of us. Many emotional hours on both our parts. I knew very early in his life that I should get him assessed for a lip tie, and then gradually realized his tongue was a problem also. At 8 weeks I finally caved and he was revised at 9 weeks. Within 3 days of that we found we had a completely different baby! He didn't constantly cry, he was social, and while we still, even now, have work to do, eating showed promise. 10 out of 10 would do it again if I need to!

One of my favorite things about the last 3 months is witnessing the bond and friendship that Beckett and Lenayah already seem to have! Lenayah always wants to be near him and he doesn't seem to mind. They often hold hands while we read books. If he is crying her heart swells with concern and she tells me over and over "crying!" even if I'm already looking for a solution. Admittedly that's really stressful! One child crying and the other yelling to be heard over the first, just to tell me that he's crying. Oi! They greet each other with big smiles, Lenayah usually giggling. Sometimes, like any friendship, theirs has low points. Like when Lenayah sits on Beckett because she wants to be near him. He does not think that is funny! And then I get the joy of scolding and teaching proper ways to be close.

She is, however, beginning to move into a jealousy stage. She really wants more alone time with mommy. I do my best to give her meaningful time with me, but it isn't cutting it. Any tips on how to make the valuable time fulfil her needs? Pretty often now she will ask Daddy to take Beckett so I can hold her.

Beckett sleeps pretty good most nights. In reality, I'm pretty spoiled, I think. Co-sleeping while we nurse saves me. I do sleep better when he is in his own bed though. Now, to get Lenayah sleeping more regular...
All in all I am one blessed momma! We love you, bud! On to new mile stones and adventure!

Early labor, and beyond!

For weeks I have been reading natural birth blogs, trying to prepare myself for baby boy's expiration date. I have a lot of baggage coming into this one. My last pregnancy ended in heart break, surgery, and a baby too fragile and tiny to hold. The one before that, the delivery I thought I wanted followed by the death and resuscitation of my baby who was minutes old. Can you spell trauma? I ran out of blogs I felt applied to my situation and my dreams for what this new experience would be like. So, I decided to write it down here, and I will decide later if I want to post it.

 For months now, every time I had a braxton hicks contraction, I could feel my anxiety rise. My heart would race, my chest tighten, and my blood pressure rise to the point of an immediate headache. I knew this is not what I should feel when my body was doing what it knew to do, especially not something indicating I was having a healthy pregnancy. I struggled to fix the issue with my own tactics. I turned to the scriptures, positive affirmations, sooooo much prayer, anything I could think of. Eventually I traded massage with a friend that is trained in foot zoning. The energy and physiological focus helped a ton! But 3 weeks later when signs of labor got more real, the anxiety came back with a vengeance. Myles was speaking to me once and I felt my uterus tighten, anxiety along with it. Afterword he said something about my phone receiving a text and we discovered that I didn't hear anything during my practice contraction. This new discovery put me into a whole new world of worry! I worried that my blood pressure would become too high in actual delivery and medical intervention would be necessary. I did not want this for me, or for My baby!
Finally, breaking down and asking my mom for help, she realized just how much baggage I had. She began to help me with her new interest, the emotion code. (To be honest, I still don't know much about it. Just that my anxiety issue has gotten worlds better.)

To my cautiously pleasant surprise I was dilated to a 2 and 70% effaced at my 36 week appointment. This was right on track with how Lenayahs birth story started, only this time without any complications! The week went by and I had lots of cervical pressure, my hips killed, and I had lost the will to remain pregnant much longer. I called my mom to whine and get some advice. She told me to relax and let my body work. After my 37 week appointment she would decide when the best time for her to come to Utah would be.

As the next few weeks continued, there was no change! Mom came into town the day after I rolled into full term; 37 weeks. She went into nesting mode for me and got my living space and garage more organized and functional. We ever spent several hours shopping for groceries and putting together 23 dinners and 16 lunches for my freezer!

Nearly 2 weeks go by with still no indication of baby gracing us with his presence. My disappointment and stress were getting high and confusion filled my heart. The doctor said they could induce but my immediate reaction was to turn up my nose in detest. But Myles and I agreed to at least consider it. So, first we decided against it. Then things changed and I realized just how important it was to have support and deliver on my terms. On Thursday evening we prayerfully decided we would do it as long as the on call doctor was on-board. He supported my decision and called L and D to see when they had the staff to take me on. We were hoping for Saturday morning, but we were surprised when the doctor called and said the only time they could take me on was in 2 HOURS! Before this point I was still very uneasy about the thought of taking God's timing into my own hands. But the moment it became real a profound peace and excitement came over me. I scurried around the house getting some things together for our days at the hospital. Both what we would need and what the house needed in order to be ready to have a baby come home with us. I just about wore myself out doing that! I should have taken a nap! What was I thinking?
L and D was running late and then there were some technical difficulties so I didn't get checked in until almost 4pm.

The nurses came in and gave me the rundown. Pitocin turned up every half-hour, doctor would break my water after 3 hours. They started the antibiotic for the group strep b at 4:12 and the Pit shortly after. Over the next 3 hours my contractions came and went, increasing in intensity over time. They turned up the pit fewer times than planned because my body was moving like it was supposed to. Nearing the end of the 3 hours I had to really focus through each wave and I was silently praying that immense progress had been made because I felt inadequate to continue as I was. Mom was giving me some counter pressure as I leaned into Myles. I don't know how much my pain really changed, but it helped to know that I wasn't in it alone. It must have only been 5 or 6 contractions before the doctor came in and measured me."You're at a 4! Lets go ahead and break your water." Talk about feeling totally hopeless! His next words to the nursing staff shocked me, but I tried to have faith that he wasn't being naively optimistic. "Okay, set up the room for delivery!"

They turned down the pit by half and then off altogether. My body took over and went full speed ahead! I watched the clock on the wall in front of me between each contraction. I couldn't believe how intense the pain was, and how the time seemed surreal. Things just kept ramping up in intensity! Dee, my nurse, gave some counter pressure on my knees and I immediately felt the urge to push. I resisted it with everything I had, knowing that after just a few contractions there was no way I was at a 10 and safe to push. I gave everyone a play by play of what I was going through. I was right, Dee checked and I was at a 6. Dee told me to grunt with a "ho" sound into each wave to help me fight the push. So with the next wave, "ho, ho, ho, ho". Same thing with the next two. But then I just couldn't keep it together anymore. During the short time between contractions I groggily said, "I feel like Santa!" The whole room erupted with laughter! It was short lived as the next contraction came on with full force. I tried to continue with the "ho, ho, ho's" but I couldn't, I kept laughing! Laughter and contractions are not a good combo.

Around this time I also asked for some chap-stick, which my mom gave me. Shortly after word I advised everyone in the room not to put peppermint chap-stick in their eyes. I vaguely remember someone thinking that was humorous as well. I know, I'm full of wisdom. And when I was in such an intense situation, why not try and lighten the mood a little bit?
Before I knew it the urge to push was back! They called for the doctor while Dee checked me. I was at a 9! She said I just had a slight lip that needed to pull flat before I was safe to push. To distract me and help me focus on breathing she had me look at her fingers, to indicate how many "he" sounds I would make, followed by a "hoo". I don't think I got the number right very many times, but it worked and I was able to keep Beckett and myself safe. A lot of things said in the room aren't
engrained into my memory, but when Shawna, the nurse who was being trained by Dee, said the doctor hadn't answered the phone!!! I had previously expressed what a horrific experience being told not to push and wait for the doctor for 20 minutes with Lenayah was, and that I most definietly would be riding the waves and listeneing to my body when it said push. Thank goodness Dee remembered, because she said to me, "That's okay! If he doesn't come, we are doing this! You and me!" Just then the doctor rushed in pulling his delivery clothes on. After a very quick update from Dee he checked me and gave me the all clear to push!

After just one contraction and some work on my effort Beckett was crowning! I said to my mom, "we are doing this! I get to meet my baby!" For whatever reason her response stuck with me, "No, WE get to meet him. You already know him." Motherhood is so cool! 2 contractions later he was delivered! I reached down and held Beckett's little hand while doc took his time making sure that he was going to be breathing and have no issues once he was placed on me. That was comforting because it would have been nightmare round 2 if there had been even a small issue! Myles cut the cord and up Beckett came. Here it was! The skin to skin I never got with Lenayah! Beckett must have been excited too, because he PEED on me! Soaked us both! For real, I had to get a new gown.
They took him to help clear his lungs a little more and take down his APGAR stuff while the doctor stitched me up. Same tear as the first time around... yay... 7 lbs 7.5 oz. SO TINY! Everything about him was smaller than Lenayah; even a noticiable difference in the placenta size! He is just now, at 3 weeks old moving into 0-3 clothes! He latched pretty nicely on the first try! We are still working on perfecting it though.

 

 I got some food in my stomach and Myles got to do skin to skin just as Lenayah came to meet her baby brother. I was so excited to see her. She was less excited to see me when she realized that dad had a baby. She was so sweet and tender with Beckett. She kept saying, "hi, babe!" Every time a nurse came in to check on me she would tell them over and over about the baby. She held him a little but lost interest really quickly when the nurse brought me some chocolate she stole out of her managers office. Thanks, shawna!

Well there you have it! Beckett is the sweetest little guy and I can't imagine life without him! We continue to work to sleep more and get a stronger latch, but he is so patient with Lenayah who doesn't always know the definition of gentle. At his 2 week appointment he was 7 lbs 14 oz, he is a full fledged member of fat camp now!

 

 

A few of my favorite things!

I am loving most things about this toddler stage with Lenayah! There are a few tantrums that we are learning to manage together, but over all, She is a hoot!

Here is a list of things I can't get enough of!

- When there is a tantrum, maybe one time a day, she knows that the best way for her to calm down is to spend some quiet time alone. Often she will tell me it's time to have some space and take me to her room to sit on her bed for a few minutes. When she is feeling better she calls out to me to come get her. We then talk about whatever caused the outburst, although her side is mostly in gibberish.

 

- I love to watch her language develop! My favorite thing she picked up recently is calling myself and Myles, "babe". She says, "bye, babe!" or covers her face to play hide and seek and does a Marco polo type thing yelling, "babe!" until someone responds. I can't help but laugh!

 

- She. Loves. Babies. Baby dolls or real babies, she loves them all! She wants to hold them, pat them, make them fell better if they're sad. It is the sweetest thing. At the same time we are going to have to teach her boundaries when baby brother gets here. She doesn't know when to back off and give space.

 

- She picks up after herself when I ask her. It helps if I stay involved and direct her to which toys she
should pick up. She always does best when bribed by sugar... Haha call me what you will, I'm too tired by the end of the day to fight about it.

 

- Lenayah is the selfie queen! I Can't Take a picture with her in it without doing it in selfie mode. She has even started to strike a pose on que.

- She is a great eater! One of the things I struggle with is that she loves tomatoes! Problem is I'm 85% sure she is intolerant to them. Her tummy gets very upset and has trouble digesting them properly... It's a real shame because I don't have very many regular menu items that don't involve tomatoes. So all in all, she eats almost everything offered, She likes snacks most of all, though.

This is a REALLY fun age! I love the personality. It helps that Lenayah is a totally ham!

10 things about being a mom for 20 months

Firstly, how do I have a 20 month old?? In four short months I'll have a two year old! In no way do these numbers make sense, but none the less, becoming a mother had changed me in more ways than I could have dreamed. I'm sure there are more than just 10, but this feels like a challenge right now, so I'm going to stick to this! In no particular order, here they are...

Reading a book to her baby

1 - I still don't think I'm very patient in some aspects of my life, however, I have learned that I can happily do the same thing over and over to indulge whatever Lenayahs current game is. Just as I'm writing this I have stopped at least ten times to help her put the baby doll swing back together after she takes it apart. There are some days when this repetition gets old, but mostly it cracks me up that Lenayah can be so easily entertained.

2 - My sleep patterns have changed drastically. Although I do still value my sleep greatly, I do not go to bed at a decent hour (before 11 pm) very many times during the week. I would estimate 3 out of 7 days. This is something I am working to change since chronic migraines are starting to occur and after all, I council people to evaluate their sleep habits if massage alone isn't fixing the problem! I would also give anything to be sleeping through most nights by now...

3 - I have a stronger ability to feel love for someone at first sight. What I mean to say is the first moment I put my eyes on Lenayah I felt so much love for her. But now I understand better what it means to feel the love of Jesus Christ for those I come in contact with.

4 - I recognize my need for personal space. Lately Lenayah does not understand the concept. If she wants to be near me, that means literally on top, in my face, shoving, kicking and climbing to get where she wants to be. This is a very hard lesson for both of us to learn, especially after I've come from a long, physical day at work.

5 - I see and attempt to fill the need for greater compassion in this world. So many things about my first weeks as a mother sparked this. We had so much love and kindness given. From meals, to coming home to a freshly cleaned house, our physical, and sometimes spiritual needs were met. Our recent miscarriage in October only made this fire burn brighter. There is little to be said or done to help parents through a loss, but those who came to our aid must have been guided by the spirit of the Lord to ease our breaking hearts. On the other hand, there are many in the world without a good idea for what to say (or not say) while someone is struggling. We experienced some of this as well.

6 - Dates without Lenayah are gold! Date night before we became parents was fun, but now it's essential. We get to go out at least once every month without a toddler in tow and its great! The other weeks get filled with family dates. Those almost always involve food. What can I say? We are a family that loves to eat, and I am a mom who doesn't always have to cook! Myles and I should do better at trying to not talk parenting while we are out. Connecting on a deeper intellectual level is a luxury now and we should take advantage of it, but alas, Lenayah is our whole world!

7 - My body is nothing like it was before. It's mostly better and the parts I don't like don't matter. I can change some and I can't even touch others. My stretch marks are amazing to me. Because of the rate at which my belly grew and the size I achieved along with my genetics, I have plenty to show for Lenayah. There came a point where the skin across the middle of my bump was numb. I could feel with my hand that I was touching my belly, but it's strange not to have the belly communicating back. One of my favorite things about it all is that I have a freckle on my side that appears to have smeared because I have a stretch mark that comes right up to it. The pounds I have put on and been "unable" to get off since starting this journey is the down side. I am making an effort to combat this by getting to the gym 3 times a week. I have not seen much change in numbers, but my endurance is much better!

8 - I have a much larger scale of emotion. I am running out of steam in my list here and asked Myles for input. This was the comment he made with a smirk on his face, "you're much more emotional?" And that I am! On both ends of emotion! I laugh so much more with Lenayah around! Let's be honest, she is hilarious! She knows what will make us laugh, too. I can also tend to be very weepy. I remember the first strange moment of emotion when I was pregnant with Lenayah. I was sitting at the first basketball game of the season, where Myles was officiating. We all stood for the national anthem as tears ran down my cheeks. I still cannot hear it without welling up.

9 - I have learned that I can trust my gut most of the time. For health and parenting concerns! I was not raised going to the doctor for this or that illness. Heck, I don't even remember going to well child visits! It's nice to have a knowledge of the body to be confident in the way we heal through injury or illness. In parenting, I of course get lots from my own upbringing, but I have also found great resources in my other relatives and like minded friends. Pinterest is also life saver here! I just peruse until I find something that feels right. After trying it I know if I felt correctly! My bedtime routine came from Pinterest and it works wonders! We have mostly stress free bed times. On the other hand, my mom suggested I motivate Lenayah with food to teach get to clean up after herself. It totally works! My kid will do anything for a snack or end of day treat! Plus my house has fewer things to trip on, generally.

10 - Most importantly of all, I have drawn closer to my Heavenly Father more in the last 20 months than ever before. I foolishly try to do things on my own, but becoming a mother brings to light the reality that I really cannot do it all without the support of my a Savior. Both in happy and sad times I have learned to turn to Him. I wouldn't say I'm good at it in any way, but I know try as I might, there is no success that He doesn't have a hand in. He knows it all, I just have to give my will to Him and get to work. I try and teach Lenayah this lesson, and even in her busy stage of life she knows we should pray before we eat and she loves to hold hands across the table. We also pray when she is sad, or when we find something that was lost. I want her to know that God is ready to hear what she has to say, no matter the circumstance.

If nothing else, she's a ham!

Working her life away with dad

Becoming mom has turned me into a new person with a stronger resolve to do right and finish hard things. I know there is so much more growth ahead of me. And I can't wait to see Lenayah grow with me!

18 months is not a magic number

Lenayah turned 18 months last week and although it is bitter sweet to see her get big, I am loving this toddler stage. She has so much character and spunk.
In our church, once a child hits 18 months they are allowed into the nursery for the second and third hour meetings. In my head, Lenayah was going to have no problem leaving us and heading into nursery whenever I sent her. She loves to play with other kids! In reality, we have gone 3 times and it has been a big meltdown and Myles or myself had to be in there at all times or else there would be more than one person severely traumatized. She hates it in there! I can't decide if it's the lack of kids she knows, or the change in environment that scare her, but whatever it is, we won't be dropping her off and leaving any time soon.
I was feeling pretty discouraged about this whole situation yesterday and my wise friend said to me, "18 months is not a magic number". It really hit me that it's kind of okay that she still likes me enough to be sad when I leave. That won't happen forever! We will keep taking her, and keep trying to leave every so often, and when it works, it works.
In other advancements; Lenayah is a pretty darn good runner, she is super clumsy, she loves babies, falls asleep on her own and sleeps through about half the nights, she is a crazy tease and tortures her grizzly dog any chance she gets, she loves to read books, favors her daddy over me often, still a hefty little chunk, and makes us laugh with all the faces she has mastered.
She is getting 3 molars right now so days are a little rough, but we are surviving so far. Wish me luck!